Tuesday, January 11, 2011

1404 : The unbecoming

Picture this.

A couple of days ago, I am baby sitting this little kiddo. I doze off on a bed near her crib. Every now and then the kiddo twists and turns and I stretch my hand to lightly pat her chest.

For some time (don’t know exactly how long) its all fine. I am dozing on an incline of three pillows, on my back with my joined together on my stomach, a la Buddha pose.

And then….

The kiddo stirs and begins to cry. In reflex response I try to move my hand…but neither my hand nor my body move. My feet and my whole body feels like rubber, unable to move or respond….almost like the sleeping leg syndrome…except in this case my whole body was sleeping.

I want to scream out to the mother who is another room across the home. My lips refuse to move. A few seconds pass by, and panic sets in, both for myself …and of course for the well being of the precious little one.

Finally, a few seconds later, my lips begin to move….but I am rasping, just like Gregor in Metamorphsis. I can barely understand what I am saying, they sound worse than a frog’s croak.

The kiddo continues to howl the house down. Finally, a few seconds later, my reverie abruptly ends, as if my motor neurons abruptly kicked in.

I wake up to see the mother actually rushing in, and little kiddo actually crying.

I am still unsure of whether – was I sleeping? was I dreaming? was I in nether land between sleep and awake? was I in a semi dying state?

I don’t have the answers. I know for a fact,  that I hate closed spaces – and for the few seconds that I experienced this  - a massive surge of panic rushed across my head – my brain was randomly firing – as we say in our world – a severity zero escalation – which means “all systems go”….

I felt trapped in my body. For a few seconds, I felt like a stroke or a coma patient….inside, alive and yet not outside…..being, trapped….almost unbecoming Smile

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