Thursday, July 15, 2010

1192 : A slow poison

I miss quite a few things from my past life…..and I mean “missing”. Almost similar to having all the jigsaw pieces of a map, except for having the “north direction” piece :-) (how terrible can that  be in reality).

I miss a city where I intimately knew its torturous veins, a workplace which I grew into and adopted as part of my life…but most of all, I terribly terribly yearn for the lazy Friday (and heavenly)wine and endless banter all night with my sister(s)….the profound experience of bonding with your nephew who babbles endless duo syllables (now he speaks sentences !!)….the smell and taste of the vada pav I grew up on…..the ability to walk to my buddy’s place and eat steaming hot food anytime I wanted to….where I could meet Mom for a quick slap and dash coffee at the airport…..phew, its endless ))

(and the impact has just started dawning on me :-))

So what kind of sane man, gives up all of what he cherishes  as “life” and moves on….and why? First of all, I think, I am no longer sane. (Seriously!!) Secondly, the more I think, I don’t really have a good enough reason for all this “transition”. Its like a fooking game to me…..I started it, and now (goddammed) I have to play it, till it ends…..big boys don’t quit !!

I know all of this can at least  partly make me a slightly stronger human being – it is teaching me impermanence (by ripping at my soul…what a price….shucks!!), its a lesson in how to break your own inertia, to adjust with a new set of people and culture.

Its also about limits – as an example…..you never learn to (un)value money, till you lose a good sum on the market, till you have broken your comfort zone and bought your first indulgence (say a Tag Heuer Carerra)….essentially , till you have had it all, and lost it all.

Similarly, once you have broken out of your comfort zone and gotten immersed into a new city 800kms away (without the f**king “north sign”), 8000 miles away never seems too difficult now (New York….prepare to welcome my coming home anytime soon!!).

Seriously, once you have been hurt by poison, then another tablet of ecstasy, does not seem like a threat, it just pushing another envelope a little bit further….and then a little more. Thats the same “stretch” what makes human beings into a “serial entrepreneur”, a nomad, a “hero” who wagers all, and loses it all, or achieves his “personal greatness”.

I am dangerously into that precarious territory….of having had it all, and having given it all….voluntarily….almost a la Siddharta (except that he achieved his “personal greatness”) ….and I might wily nily never come close to that ….and of course that involuntary cognition….that the next loss is never more than 60 seconds away…..of wanting to up the intake of poison.

The ante is steadily being tuned up. What once was, is no longer.
Whats at the bloody stake now?

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